live 2 write

bein' home ain't workin'...debts and all

if god got a list then he ex'd me off

how extra, 'specially to let me fall

no blessin'? dead me and left me gone

am i p-noid about a life beyond ours?

can't w(h)ine about it like a pinot noir

it's no in between though, eat or starve

they gon' make a monster like c rayz walz

thought about leavin'...to find my wealth

could be i'm prideful and i need help

i sit and think about it like a bright idea

you see it in my style like your eye's on my gear

you don't gotta be blind though you don't see

my eyes say it all but i'm hard to read

still shine, world gon' lust this glare

through the grey skies, son's right there...



-me from a song you'll likely never hear.






custamato~

where is my mind?

how do you KNOW you're too connected?

too much social networking, instant messaging, email, tweets, etc? that's how i feel about now. too vulnerable to world around me. too connected...but not in any meaningful way, which is why it doesn't feel right. i'm just having a bunch of faux friend moments. one after another. we go to sleep (some of us) and then we do it again the next day. texting is replacing TALKING. gchat is speech evolved...speech evolved is unsatisfying.

computers are rotting my brain. 

custamato~

lets break it down...

this post is something i had forgotten about. unearthed again by my friend Tone, who needed it more than me. 

now...i share it with you:

Saturday, May 24, 2008 Lets break it down...

Current mood: depressed 

i took some time off from the game. upon my return it became apparent...i am damaged goods. while i have taken some meetings, i haven't signed a new contract. some of my injuries may heal with time, others...not so much. i grapple daily with the after effects of it all.



changes...

for some reason change is constant and drastic in my life. be it friends, lovers, jobs or otherwise...the climate surrounding my days is by and large unpleasant as well as baffling. at least that's how it seems-




i graduated high school but i didn't walk:


yea. i found out AT the graduation ceremony that i wasn't allowed to walk. i got the news from one of my teachers. he was actually one of the root causes of my not walking. it sent me into a fit of anger, seeing as how i was called down to graduation practice everyday leading up to this dog-walk. after i stormed off i remembered, i needed to go and get my father, who was in the bleachers on the far side of the football field. it would likely have been one of the few proud moments he had of me in his fractured memory...ah well. that evening, me and him split a half-pint of jack in his pick-up...and so went my adolescence-





i have in recent time developed some issues with trust:


more often than not...i simply don't believe you. i'm fully aware of the impracticality of it, i also realize that it's not the paramount way to view people...but when action fails to gel with words you get mistrust. when you breed said mistrust with a healthy dose of betrayal you get me. let's review...



trust+betrayal=mistrust


mistrust+words-action=me






see? simple-




on the indy 500:

there seem to be some people in life that like it or not, you can't get rid of. i don't mean in the same way as say...an annoying suitor or a bad influence. i mean the kind of person that is bad for you, and vice versa...and yet, every time they come knocking you'll open the door for them. you'll listen to their sales pitch even if you don't buy it, and in the end you'll be a sucker for it...but damn if you don't enjoy that ride on some twisted level that only you and that person understand-




on maury:

maury povich is fucking up black people's reputation. network tv is leaning solidly toward modern day minstrel proportions. that show reinforces possibly every black stereotype that exists. it's like the spear chucker review every morning and afternoon. there are times when it seems like i'm tuning in just to see if it can get any worse than it already is...it can-







i know, i know. it's random. that's how life is for some of us...a jumble of disjointed, seemingly unrelated events. but you never know, underneath it all there may be some tie that binds it all together.

maybe i was up early, catching a little tv (maury). contemplating the rocky road i call my life (changes). perhaps even lamenting a time long gone (i graduated but...), people and things i've lost (on the indy 500), and the scars that come with the spills i've taken (on trust). at first i may be sad, but soon i realize...that as long as i'm still standing i can always find my way back to a fresh start (i became a free agent again).



work the angles

custamato~

a friendly game of solitaire

as i sit here trying to complete an almost overdue assignment, i find it is hard to concentrate. i have for a while now. my head just isn't into this...i don't think it ever will be. it's just an obligation, like the rest of my life right now. 

obligated to do school work, obligated to do music, obligated to family and friends for various things. all meant to better myself...i don't feel any better though. a less sensitive person might say "well, we're all obligated." that's fine if you think that. there is no denying that the nature of those obligations ranges for everyone on earth. the fact is, there are some obligations which were at one time voluntary...they just turned into mandatory affairs once you decided that that was the correct choice for your life. perfect example: children. a lot of people want children, then, once they have them they go on about how kids are the most supreme of obligations. 

the difference is...raising kids is supposed to be among the most rewarding things a person could do in life. i might be down for that. something that'll pay off. 

i find myself feeling lonely today. i felt a spot of loneliness the other day too. are we foreshadowing the rest of my winter? i don't know...maybe.

i just know it's an unwelcome feeling, but a familiar one all the same. i feel like i'm in an ages long game of solitaire. outside of my window everyone is playing in the street with each other, but you know you can't join in any of the camaraderie. it's a hard feeling to describe...a hard feeling to live with.

newly expelled in other parts of my life, i find myself hoping that something...anything, comes to break the pattern i'm about to live through again. 

life is deja vu.

my friends say it doesn't get any easier...i say it has to. one can't stay stuck at the bottom forever. at some point, they have to taste the height of existence too. that peak is different for everyone...but based on the laws of the land we will all reach it one day.

then we'll all fall back to earth...but we'll always have the memories.

custamato~ 

random thing

i miss adrienne more than she may ever give herself credit for...more than my heart will allow me to suppress.

custamato~

there may be no more a demeaning state of being than having to swallow constant disrespect at the hands of the people who claim to love you most. 

i have to try and believe that one day i'll get out of the situation i am in...that i'll have an ideal one. honestly, in my heart, i don't feel like it is possible. 

on my last legs...

custamato~

money! awesome.

where do i even start?

one never believes that money could bring more problems when you're broke. i can see how that would be. the lack of even a marginal amount of money to live with leaves you unable to focus on the idea in any tangible way. you are incapable of empathy...

i'm finding that even with a small amount the problems begin to surface. 

case and point: i recently received a college return check. it was for 4,300 dollars, pretty nice. my family (of course) wants a piece of this money. so they bother me everyday about calling the credit union that's been assigned to the task of clearing my check. 

a word about this credit union: i previously had an account with these people. eventually i stopped using the account...but they didn't stop charging me inactivity fees. i didn't even want to re-open the damn thing. reluctantly i do and what happens? they inform me that they're taking 300 dollars off top for the inactivity. it's such a racket. when asked how long it takes for an inactive account to be closed out...they said they just don't. they simply continue charging you for something you aren't using. 

so off that 4300 hundred, my family has already cost me 300 by insisting on this course of action. 

OKAY-

now, they ask me everyday if i've called the place to check on the money. multiple times a day. honestly, this wouldn't be such an issue if the harassment weren't under the guise of "help". they're trying to help me get my money faster...really?

if only i could ONE single solitary day without having my intelligence insulted. one can dream i guess.

sick of writing.

custamato~